Seifer's Camping Trip
by Vick330
Summary: Ah, the beauty of nature, and a relaxing vacation - Yeah! Sure! - Story completed - PG for a little swearing.
1. Where It All Began...

  
********** SEIFER'S CAMPING TRIP **********  
  
  
*** A fanfic by Vick330 the MadScientist ***  
  
  
  
***** Disclaimer *****  
  
Squaresoft owns Final Fantasy VIII, its characters, and much, much more. I own nothing, I'm just a poor guy, so please take pity on me and don't sue, please :(  
  
The following is loosely (well, maybe not THAT loosely) based on my last vacation trip with my girlfriend, and if she ever reads this I'm in a ****load of trouble.  
  
  
  
********** I - Where It All Began **********  
  
  
Seifer Almasy felt like kicking himself, and if it weren't for the fact that it is an anatomical impossibility, he probably would have done so by now. How, Oh how, did he let himself get dragged into such an ordeal?  
  
He couldn't even accuse Fujin of tricking him into it, for then he would have to confess at not really listening to her, and that would open the door to many assorted unpleasantness.  
  
It had all started about a month ago, while he had been watching the Galbadia's Rextaurs VS the Esthar's Bahamuts big game. Fujin had walked into the living room, sat beside him on the couch, and pitched her sale.  
  
There had been a time when she only talked loudly, and never more than three words at a time. But life with her beloved Seifer had changed her, making her heal from the wounds life had inflicted upon her, allowing her to smile, laugh, and open up to people. And thus, Seifer was utterly unprepared for what came next.  
  
  
*** The following is what our friend REMEMBERS of the conversation, NOT what Fujin actually said. Please keep in mind that it was a VERY important game. ***  
  
  
Fujin: "Honey, we have to talk." [These words usually strike fear into any man's heart, but Seifer was kind of busy]  
  
Seifer: "Sure, Baby, I'm always here for you." [Automated response, didn't even go through his brain's frontal lobe]  
  
Fujin: "We haven't been spending much time together lately..." [I don't like the sound of this!]  
  
Seifer: "Yeah, whatever you say." [Another automated response]  
  
Fujin: "...So, I was thinking..." [Seifer should really have started worrying right about here]  
  
Seifer: "Huh, of course, that's good." [IDIOT! Snap out of 'Auto-Response Mode' yet!]  
  
Fujin: "Yadda, yadda, yadda, quality time..." [Most guys fake heart attacks, or jump out of windows at this, but the Rextaurs had just scored...]  
  
Seifer: "Yes, I'm all for quality, Baby." [MORON!]  
  
Fujin: "Good because - [Insert here a sentence in a foreign language that you don't understand, never had, and never will] - and therefore..."  
  
Seifer: "Right, right, I totally agree." [As most human males, our friend is an adept at the ancient, and noble skill of 'selective-hearing' - I wonder why we guys keep at it, for it usually has dire consequences, and I speak from bitter experience]  
  
Fujin: "It would be great if - [Long sentence in a very old, ancient, lost, and rare dialect of some forgotten dead language, which nobody even remembers the existence of] - Do you agree?"  
  
Seifer: "Whatever you say, my Love, whatever you say." [At this point, our friend was ready to say ANYTHING just to watch his game in peace]  
  
Fujin: "I'm so happy! For you see - [More gibberish in some extra-terrestrial means of communication that the human brain is not equipped to process] - Good for our relationship."  
  
Seifer (checking out the cheerleaders): "Yeah, relationships are good."  
  
[The usage of the words 'Good', 'For', and 'Relationship' in any order inside the same sentence, should have blasted at least a thousand different alarms in Seifer's neural pathways - But since he needed the brain-power to pretend listening to Fujin, while watching the game at the same time, it simply did not happen]  
  
Fujin: "Oh, Seifer, you're the best! And I found this awesome place where -  
  
[Our friend wasn't sure about what she said here, but he distinctly remembered hearing the words 'TVs', 'VCRs', 'DVDs', 'Computers', 'Video-Games', 'Dependence to modern comforts', and 'Playstation Console' - He just failed to notice that the word 'NO' preceded each and every one of those beloved objects, at the time]  
  
- Doesn't that sound like fun?"  
  
  
Seifer: "YES! OH YEAH! WOO HOO!" [The Bahamuts had finally scored! YAY! - I had money on that game]  
  
Fujin: "THIS IS GREAT! I really thought that I would have to fight you over this, but I misjudged you." - [Kisses Seifer passionately, making him miss the replay] - "I LOVE YOU! This is wonderful! I'm calling the others. We are going to have a GREAT time!"  
  
And she left, beaming with joy, letting her man wondering what all that had been about.  
  
Since his wife didn't bring the matter up, in the next few weeks, Seifer was lulled into a false sense of security.  
  
  
Until that morning, that is...  
  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'WE ARE GOING CAMPING?'" Exclaimed a shocked Seifer.  
  
"YOU PROMISED." Replied Fujin.  
  
"Well, I'm not going." Stated the blond man.  
  
"Seifeeer..." Said the young woman menacingly.  
  
"No! Huh-huh! No way! You can't make me! I'm my own man, and if I say that I am not going, I am NOT going, and that is FINAL!" Concluded our friend firmly, crossing his arms.  
  
  
And so it was that they were on their way to Esthar's wilderness...  
  
  
***** ***** *****  
  
  



	2. Going Down The River

  
********** II - Going Down The River **********  
  
  
At the airport, Fujin and Seifer met with the rest of the gang, and the eight of them boarded a plane to get to 'Chocobo-Town' in northern Esthar, a few miles west of the 'Chocobo-Shrine', near the shores of the 'Nozama River'.  
  
For once, Squall had company in his brooding, for Seifer had a look of pure doom pasted on his face, while he read the brochure he was supposed to have checked out a month before.  
  
Once they got to 'Chocobo-Town', it would take four days of canoeing down the 'Nozama' to reach a small town called 'Journeyman's End', where another plane would take them back to Balamb.  
  
Four days, thought Seifer with despair, four long, horrible days, eating canned food, and whatever suspicious fish they would manage to catch. And lets not forget about the three nights of sleeping on uncomfortable foam pads, in a small tent, inside a tight sleeping bag, in the company of mosquitoes, snakes, and Hyne knows what unfriendly beasts roamed the place.  
  
It also meant no warm showers, no ice cream for a midnight snack, no remote, no air-conditioning, and -worst of all- no PSX console. Why, Oh why, did Fujin submit him to such ungodly torment? Would he even survive this terrible ordeal?  
  
After quite an unpleasant flight [for the guys that is] they reached their destination, and the time came to pair-up in the canoes.  
  
Driven to the limit of her patience, Quistis snapped at her boyfriend, "Lighten up, Zell! You're on a camping trip, not on death-row, for Hyne's sake!"  
  
Zell had the bad, truly no good, awfully poorly timed, offensively dire, dreadfully unfortunate, terribly inappropriate, appallingly dimwitted, horrendously not intelligent at all, regrettably deplorable, really, reeeally stupid idea of answering, "It's a matter of point of vue, I guess."  
  
And so it was that the following teams were made: Squall & Irvine, Quistis & Selphie, Seifer & Zell, and Rinoa & Fujin in the supplies canoe. This arrangement came to be, mostly because the women were sick and tired of the guys' complaining, brooding, and long faces.  
  
Finally, they started they journey down the 'Nozama', en route to camp One. Seifer noticed that Quistis was shooting death-glares at Zell, while at the same time trying to calm down an excited Selphie, so she wouldn't make the boat tip, but the martial artist either did not notice, or tried his best to ignore it.  
  
The first stretch of the trip was a relatively short one, and they spotted their first stop in a bend of the river, on the western shore, after little more than three hours.  
  
Except for the two blond guys, who lost an additional two hours arguing, shouting at each other, trying to bash each other's skulls with the oars, and realizing that performing said actions, while standing up in a canoe, are not good ideas.  
  
After salvaging most of their gear from the river's waters, and managing to climb back aboard the boat, they finally arrived to camp, drenched, and in a rotten mood.  
  
The tents were pitched, and they caught some fish, which Seifer refused to eat after choking on a fish-bone. Once inside his tent with Fujin, she surprised him by a loving kiss, and saying "Thank you."  
  
"What for?" Inquired Seifer softly.  
  
"For doing this for me." She replied, kissing him again, and then promptly falling asleep.  
  
The blond man looked at his wife fondly, for she looked so fragile, with her pale skin, delicate features, and sweet expression of contentedness.  
  
He didn't sleep well that night, because a mosquito had elected to spend some time with them, and it obviously didn't have a taste for albino-blood.  
  
  
***** ***** *****  
  



	3. Happy Campers

  
********** III - Happy Campers **********  
  
  
On the morning of day two, Seifer realized, with hidden satisfaction, that the relationships between his friends had dangerously deteriorated since the previous evening. In his mind, it was a great argument not to repeat the experience, but he wouldn't have been so happy, had he known what was in store for him.  
  
Anyway, to top things off, on that fateful dawn, Quistis and Selphie picked a fight after breakfast, just before embarking on their canoe.  
  
"And this time, Selphie, remain seated, and try to row forward." Was lecturing the blonde woman.  
  
"Why do you always have to be the boss!" Complained the brunette.  
  
Quistis breathed deeply, before replying, "Because, I know how to do this, and you obviously don't."  
  
"Sourpuss!" Spat Selphie.  
  
"Big baby!" Replied Quistis.  
  
"Dominatrix!"  
  
"Airhead!"  
  
"Dumb blonde!"  
  
"Look who's talking!"  
  
"I know that you snore when you sleep!"  
  
"WHA..? Zeeell!" [The tattooed guy hid behind Seifer]  
  
"And you drool too!"  
  
"Stop it, Shorty! I'm warning you!"  
  
"And you mumble about..."  
  
"THAT'S FRIGGING IT!" Shouted the blonde woman, then jumped in the boat, rowed with amazing skill and strength, and rapidly disappeared in the distance.  
  
Selphie wouldn't go with Squall & Irvine, because she was still mad at the cowboy, and Fujin & Rinoa's canoe could only accommodate two passengers, the rest of the room being taken by a special container for supplies.  
  
Seifer, predictably, was not pleased with the arrangement, "I am NOT getting stuck with those two natural hazards!" He stated.  
  
"PLEASE." Pleaded Fujin.  
  
The tall guy rolled his eyes, "You know what? I've had quite enough of this, I'm walking back to Chocobo-Town right now."  
  
"Seifeeer..."  
  
"No! Not this time! You are not the boss of me! You can't make me do stuff against my will, got it? Seifer Almasy does NOT take orders from NOBODY! I've had it with this descent to the depths of Hell, and I will NOT endanger my precious life with those two! I am NOT going with them, and that is FINAL! End of discussion!" Stated our friend stubbornly, planting his feet, and crossing his arms in a gesture of unbendable will.  
  
  
Several hours later, as he was warning Selphie to calm down, and arguing with Zell about the proper way to row, for the hundredth time, Seifer reflected about how persuasive his fair, diminutive wife could be.  
  
They soon lost sight of the others, and arrived at a fork in the river. Seifer was in front of the boat, and took out a map, but a gust of wind made him lose his grip on it.  
  
The map evaded Selphie, seated in the middle, but was fortunately caught by Zell, who decided to take charge, and thus get back to Seifer, secure in the knowledge that the tall guy couldn't do a thing about it, in their present situation.  
  
"All right, Zell," Said Seifer, in a resigned tone, "Which way to camp Two?"  
  
"According to this, we have to go left, and we'll have a quiet, relaxing cruise on a stretch of river called 'Lovers' Lane'." Answered the martial artist proudly.  
  
And so, they took the eastern branch of the Nozama, preparing themselves for what the guide, who had briefed them at Chocobo-Town, had told them would be a restful part of the journey.  
  
All they had to do, basically, was to let the gentle current take them to the next camping site. They soon realized, however, that the waters were getting more and more agitated, and that an ominous roaring was increasing in volume.  
  
"Oh, look at that boulder, at our right." Exclaimed Selphie suddenly "It looks like a guy with a hooded robe, holding a scythe."  
  
"That's odd." Mused Seifer aloud "There's supposed to be threes on both sides of the river, not boulders."  
  
Zell sweatdropped, anime style, "Huh, guys, I think that that boulder is called the 'Grim-Reaper', and that I was - Hum - holding the map upside down, and - well - we should have turned right at the river's branching, heehee,"  
  
"WHAT?" Shouted Seifer "You mean that we are on the 'Lost-River', and going towards 'IMP-Falls'?"  
  
"Why are they called that?" Inquired a curious Selphie.  
  
Zell consulted the map, and said, "Well, it says here that the names come from the fact that if you get stranded this way, you're lost to the world, and that it is nearly IMP-ossible to survive the falls."  
  
"Oh, how interesting." Was Selphie's delighted reaction.  
  
Seifer couldn't completely take the panic out of his voice, "Weren't there any warning signs, or something?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, I saw all those signs with warnings to go back, and cross-skulls on them. The last one was funny, it said 'Too Late, prepare to meet your maker' - Tee Hee!" Said the brunette merrily, happy at being able to contribute some useful information.  
  
"And why, may I ask, didn't you say SOMETHING?" Asked a quite pissed-off Seifer.  
  
"I tried, but you were arguing with Zell, and told me to 'shut the f*ck up', remember?" replied Selphie innocently.  
  
Seifer didn't feel like commenting, for you see, the sound of the falls was deafening, and he had just seen a piece of drifting wood, not far in front of them, go over the edge.  
  
  
Their companions, already at camp Two, were getting more and more concerned by the minute.  
  
Fujin vowed never, ever to force Seifer into anything.  
  
Irvine vowed never, ever to make Selphie mad.  
  
Quistis vowed never, ever to lose her temper with Zell, or Selphie.  
  
Squall and Rinoa simply vowed to never, ever snap at each other.  
  
Of course, those are the kind of promises that are never, ever really kept. The important thing was that they hoped to see their loved ones again, and at least try to do so.  
  
  
***** ***** *****  
  



	4. Better & Better!

  
********** IV - Better And Better! **********  
  
  
Selphie, Zell, and Seifer finally reached the eastern shore of the stretch of river, down from 'IMP-Falls', known as 'Morbid Waters'. Before going over the rapids, they had tied themselves to each other, and managed to salvage the canoe and part of their equipment.  
  
Unfortunately, they had lost the tent, the paddles, and what little food they carried.  
  
"Man! That was fun! They should organize excursions this way." Exclaimed Zell.  
  
"Yeah! I wouldn't mind riding the falls again! Woo Hoo!" Joined Selphie.  
  
Seifer kept his peace, for he had realized many things in the past few hours. First, seeing your whole life flash before his eyes was not an experience he cared to repeat. Second, it was incredible what feats you could accomplish, when you are in mortal danger. And finally, he was stuck with two basket cases.  
  
The slow current here allowed fetid foam to cling to the shore's borders, and algae to give the waters an unhealthy greenish taint. There were no fish to be seen, and what puny trees managed to grow looked like something out of a drunken nightmare. They thus understood from where the name 'Morbid Waters' had originated.  
  
Selphie was wearing pants with ample pockets, and produced candy in surprising amounts. Zell's shorts were also a mine of chocolate bars, beef jerky sticks, and even four cans of 'Ifrit-Cola' [The cold drink for hot people].  
  
As night fell, Seifer thought that things were not as bad as they could have gotten, after all. They had eaten relatively well, the evening was warm, and he remembered, from the map, that the two branches of the river joined again after a few miles into one. They would easily find a way to reach camp Two, which was situated near the waterways' union, in the morning.  
  
Furthermore, Fujin would be so happy at seeing him safe and sound, that she would think twice in the future, before bringing him into such hazardous activities. So everything looked quite bright, in his mind.  
  
That was when Zell had the doom-attracting idea of saying, "Well guys, things could be a lot worse, you know. Like, it could rain or something. Yuk! Yuk!"  
  
We all know that it was just a poorly timed event, but at that moment thunder boomed, and a heavy downpour fell from the heavens. The three of them managed to shelter themselves from the deluge under the canoe, realizing that they were in for a most uncomfortable night.  
  
Always the philosophical one, Zell offered, "Well guys, at least things can't get any wor..."  
  
"ZELL, SHUT THE F*CK UP!" Warned Selphie and Seifer.  
  
  
***** ***** *****  
  
  
The next morning, at camp Two, it was decided that Rinoa and Squall would go get help, while the rest of the group remained there, in the hopes that the castaways would reappear.  
  
As it was, the sorceress and SeeD commander were just out into the river's waters when they spotted out three friends. In fact, they heard the arguing first, and rowed to meet the trio.  
  
Zell and Seifer were rowing with makeshift paddles, and Selphie stood up, jumping up and down, waving excitedly when she saw her dark-haired friends.  
  
As you would expect, what had to happen, finally happened.  
  
Rinoa and Squall managed to rescue the two men and woman, but lost the canoe, and most of the gear.  
  
The following was a sweet, loving reunion, for the joy and relief of seeing our three friends alive and well, if a little moody, overrode all else. They decided to get to camp three, and the teams were reorganized.  
  
Quistis insisted that Zell ride with her, and Irvine joined them. Rinoa took the supplies' canoe with her broody husband, while Fujin, that wouldn't part with Seifer, took the third remaining boat with him and Selphie, who was still mad at the cowboy and the blonde woman, even if she couldn't remember exactly why.  
  
The trip down was uneventful, and they reached the camping site early evening. They built a fire, put up the tents, of which there was fortunately a spare one, managed to catch some tasty-looking fish, had a great meal, and shared a few relieved laughs at the two blond guys and brunette's adventure.   
  
Selphie, being Selphie, was all over Irvine, and all friendly with Quistis. She had finally reasoned that if she couldn't remember why she was mad at them, it wasn't important after all. And so, they all had a great time before turning in for the night.  
  
  
In the relative intimacy of their tent, Fujin turned to Seifer, and they kissed tenderly for a long moment.  
  
"Sorry." She apologized.  
  
"Why?" He inquired, gently caressing her face.  
  
"For what happened, I was really terrified at never seeing you again." She explained.  
  
"Nah! It was all Chicken-Wuss' fault anyway."  
  
"I love you." She simply replied, kissing him again.  
  
Seifer looked at her wife lovingly, "You know, you look cute in shorts and a tank-top, you should dress like that more often."  
  
Fujin smiled, a warm feeling of happiness filling her heart, for her man always had the right words to make her feel beautiful, and special. There was also the relief of being reunited with him, which put her in a most romantic mood.  
  
Unbeknown to them, their friends, in their own tents, felt much the same way towards their significant other. How sweet it is to have someone to call your own, and how wonderful it is to hold your beloved in your arms, especially when you have almost lost them.  
  
And thus passed the third night of the camping trip, and dawn arrived, bringing with it the promise of a great day.  
  
  
Too bad promises are made to be broken...  
  
  
***** ***** *****  
  



	5. Going Home

  
********** SEIFER'S CAMPING TRIP **********  
  
  
********** V - Going Home **********  
  
  
The next morning, after a most pleasant night, the four couples were so sweet to their lovers that just writing about it is giving me a sugar rush.  
  
There, surrounded by the majestic beauty of Esthar's wilderness, they realized the deep, strong ties that united them to their spouses, and to their friends.  
  
I ask you, dear Reader, what wouldn't we do, what ordeals wouldn't we face, what discomforts wouldn't we endure, for our loved ones?  
  
Ah, dear, dear Reader, as I said before, this day brought the promise of many wonderful things, and as we blissfully witness the affection that our friends have for each other, obvious in the gentle demeanor, expressed in the kind, soothing, loving words...  
  
  
"WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU MEAN BY, 'IT'S ALL MY FAULT'?" Yelled, a monumentally pissed-off, Quistis to her boyfriend.  
  
  
Zell just had the bad, truly no good, awfully poorly timed, offensively dire, dreadfully unfortunate, terribly inappropriate, appallingly dimwitted, horrendously not intelligent at all, regrettably deplorable, really, reeeally stupid idea of blaming the whole ordeal on his sapphire-eyed girlfriend, for forcing him to come on the trip, and thus pretty much breaking the romantic mood.  
  
Following that outburst, Rinoa decided to challenge her Squally-Poo, convinced that he would never turn against her. So she asked him, in a quite flirtatious tone, if he felt the same way than the martial artist.  
  
Instead of giving his usual 'Whatever' response, which would have disarmed a potentially explosive situation, Mr. Leonhart had the ghastly, beyond doubt no-good, horribly inadequate, direly offensive, unfortunately dreadful, inappropriately terrible, dimwittedly appalling, unintelligently horrendous, deplorably regrettable, and, if truth be told, reeeally brainless idea of answering, "I'm not the one saying it, but..."  
  
Selphie, of course, jumped on the bandwagon, and also challenged Irvine, who had the horrifically imprudent, catastrophically dumb, calamitously offensive, ruinously improper, cataclysmically dense, abysmally not-clever, disastrously unsuitable, apocalyptically unwise, faultily inspired, reeeally foolish, ill-advised, and thoughtless idea of replying, "You said it, Baby, not me."  
  
And so, the three women left in one canoe, rowing with the vigor born of pure rage, and quickly vanishing in a bend of the Nozama.  
  
Seifer, quite wisely, didn't care to comment on the situation, and left with Fujin in the supplies' canoe, while the remaining guys embarked on the third boat.  
  
They all rowed in silence, and made their way to 'Journeyman's End' shortly after noon. From there they boarded the first plane to Balamb, and went home.  
  
  
  
********** Epilogue **********  
  
  
Fortunately, the expedition had no lasting sequels on our friends' relationships, and they resumed their regular lives. They all felt a little closer to their spouses, though, for they never forgot the whole adventure.  
  
Time passed, and one fine day, Seifer was watching the World Series last game. It was THE match not to miss, for it pitted the Timber's Anacondaurs VS the Balamb's Velociraptors, and our friend was quite enthralled in the action.  
  
That was the moment Fujin happened to enter the living room, and sit beside her man.  
  
"Seifer, we have to talk, Honey." She announced.  
  
"Huh? Yeah, I'm all ears, Baby." [Automated response, bypassed Seifer's conscious brain functions]  
  
"Vacation time is coming, and the girls told me about this great place..."  
  
"That sounds great, Fuji-Wuji."  
  
"So, I was thinking that - [Here Seifer heard something akin to static background noise from a cheap, poorly maintained, malfunctioning radio receiver] - Doesn't that sound cool?"  
  
"YEAH! OH YEAH! BOOYAKA! RIGHT ON, BABY!" [The Velociraptors had just scored, seconds before the end of the game! YAHOO! - I also had money on that game]  
  
Fujin beamed with happiness, "GREAT! YOU ARE THE BEST! I LOVE YOU!" [Kisses Seifer with warmth and passion, making him miss the replay] "We're going to have such a GREAT time!"  
  
  
  
********** THE END? **********  
  



End file.
